he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
