i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
