It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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