I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
