I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
