I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
