you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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