Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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