I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Terrible idea I love it
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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