Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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