I showed him my bush... on skype.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
