If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just cut my nipple shaving
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
