No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
