he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
