I just saw a hot homeless man
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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