dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
