Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
