Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
