i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
