My nipple is on Facebook.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
