you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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