I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
