youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
