id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You can't just leave with hair like that
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
