I cockslap morals
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
