Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
