i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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