I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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