Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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