Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
