My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
