the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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