I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
