Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
