we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
