Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
