Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
