Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
