Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
