they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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