Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
