Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
