our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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