I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
