And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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