So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
