what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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