I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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