just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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