Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Of course I have a pirate flag
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
